aftermath

[marmoron]

[It seems like an eternity ago that Shiro had promised the crowd at Earth that they would return triumphant. Technically, it's a promise they've managed to keep with the combined strengths of all the people in the Coalition, but the victory doesn't feel like triumph.

Keith turns away from Cosmo to look at the sunset. This had been how he chose to spend his last night on Earth before the mission -- lots of different feelings about their upcoming battle against Honerva and her fleet of komar infused Robeast. Back then, he could only believe they'd win because losing wasn't an option. It's bittersweet that losing, in some messed up sense of it, was ultimately their only option.

Itt'd been easier to look Lance in the eye back then when his biggest problem was this date he had with Allura. The way things are now, he wonders if things really will be okay. Then again.... it's probably the wrong way of looking at it.]

You know, Lance. Maybe it goes without saying but... [A beat.] You know I've always got your back, too.

[So if he needs to talk about things, he can.]

Comments

[spazzed]

( shiro has never been a man that makes promises without there being intention to follow through, has never broken one in the entire time lance has known him; but he can't help thinking their victory is something of a technicality. the universe is safe, yeah, and he's glad for that. but what sort of sacrifices needed to be made in order for that to happen?

his heart aches, still. for a time when things were simpler and a time when things made more sense, but maybe that's all on account of him trying to find his footing again. trying to find his bearings in a world that has effectively been turned upside down and inside out, turned him on his axis and sent him spinning on an arc that leads … he doesn't know where.

out here with keith, things feel a little more like they did before the beginning of the end. like that last night on earth, when he'd come seeking advice from an unlikely candidate, getting more than he bargained for and ending up feeling more at peace than he would have expected. they've come a hell of a long way since they'd first found the blue lion, since they'd lost three years and keith had gained two more, and he thinks.

maybe things will start making sense again soon. ) I know. ( he smiles, and it's a small thing as he shifts to sit cross-legged, elbows resting on his knees, hands dangling. ) I know, and it means a lot. ( thank you, for that is something he doesn't say quite yet, but it's there in the back of his throat, stuck along with everything else he doesn't know how to say yet.

he exhales, and it sounds like a sigh as he concentrates on the setting sun. or tries to, at least. ) Did you ever think —

Did you ever think we'd actually make it back?

[marmoron]

[Keith glances only briefly in Lance's direction. It's barely enough time to register anything other than just how tepid that smile is, but it still makes him weary. In so many ways, he's reminded of the time that Shiro disappeared after that battle with Zarkon -- ages ago by now.

Thinking back, god knows he wasn't fucking smiling at anyone. That's not Lance though. There'd been a time once when seeing the guy put on a brave smile despite it all would've pissed him off. Who the hell do you think you're fooling with that?! and such. By now, he can see that it takes a lot more strength to keep smiling, no matter what happens. As much as some part of him still hates it, it's for a different reason entirely.

He looks up at the sky as he considers the question Lance asks.]

We've been through a lot together. There are things that we've accomplished as a team that others would've called impossible.

[But that's not a real answer now is it.]

I wasn't really thinking about whether we'd make it or not. We had to make it back. I wasn't going to accept any other option.

[But that's just the problem isn't it. There weren't any options -- not for Allura. When the stakes are either all of existence is erased or you sacrifice yourself to save it, that doesn't even begin to resemble an option. Keith breathes out slowly.]

[spazzed]

( he's always been the one to try when no one else has the energy to put in the effort. always the one to put on a brave face to try to keep up morale, to make them all believe that things are going to be okay, even if they look more than a little sketchy.

he thinks he knows it had more than gotten on keith's nerves, back then. maybe only because the other has never seen the point in putting on a front in the face of something dire, taking things so seriously as he always has but that's just what it means to be keith, something that this one would never want to take away from him, even if it meant softening his edges just a little.

keith has always been meant to be sharp. and maybe he's finally learned how to get close to him without coming away scratched. or —

maybe keith has also learned how to be a little softer. either way, they've both made strides in the right direction.

and still, lance is trying to smile through his heart continuing to break. that … is something that is probably never going to change. because he has to try.

he hums out a soft note, something that seems to catch behind his teeth on his next exhale. ) Allura saw it that way, too. Pretty sure she did, I mean. ( he breathes in and shifts again, unfolding his legs and bringing his knees up to his chest, curling long arms around them, chin resting on top. ) I hope she knows it worked.

[marmoron]

[Keith's thought about that a couple of times before. The princess was fiery and stubborn as hell, too. Once she'd gotten a plan into her head, it was difficult to talk her down. He'd wondered if that was the reason Red had never taken to her as her paladin. Perhaps the Lions could see the similarities between him and Allura, and knew not to make her his second-in-command. Just like they knew Lance would shine in that role. It's not a thought that matters anymore, but he'd give a lot just to be able to talk to her again. Either way, he's shaken out of his train of thought quickly.]

Lance.

[The name comes out of his mouth before Keith really knows what the follow up to it is. A kneejerk response -- immediate, straddling that fine line between being an unspoken shut up and being a warmer kind of firmness. He can see in his peripheral vision how Lance is folding around himself, hears the uncertainty and can handle neither of these observations. After everything they've been through, after everything Lance has lost, his friend deserves to at least never to have a single doubt about any part of this.

But it's still the wrong tone of voice to be using for this conversation. After a moment, Keith turns his face away from the sun to properly look at Lance. No more avoiding eye contact, no more uncertainty over how to talk to the person who's become one one of his closest friends. The team he once led may be gone, torn apart irreparably, but it doesn't mean he'll cede the responsibility of making sure the rest of them are alright.]

You don't have to hope. She knows. This whole reality, every reality, was only made possible because of Allura. Her quintessence is around all of us, part of us. [After a beat, he smiles -- faint but warm.]

It's kinda like the time I just knew to look for the Blue Lion, even though I had no idea that's what I was looking for. She may not be here physically, but I know she continues to live on through all of us. You especially, actually.

[He gestures towards the Altean markings on Lance's face.]

So don't waste your time hoping for answers you already have.

[spazzed]

( she's always been a firecracker in her own way, and that had been one of the things that had drawn him to her initially — you know, aside from her being beautiful, and intelligent, and kind but still firm enough to hold her own, and all these other things that are never going to get out of his head — and that was why she had been perfectly suited for blue when things started shifting around. that was just … how things were meant to be. and it worked for them, in the end.

but there he is, about to get lost in his own head again and his attention snaps back to the present when he hears his name, when he hears it like that and it startles him at first, just a little, because maybe he hadn't been expecting keith to get so serious so quickly.

which is a farce all on its own, because when isn't keith serious? about everything? absolutely everything.

and what he says is about the deepest sort of truth he could bring out into the open, something that burrows down into the very center of him and stays there, a tangible weight in the bottom of his chest that he can feel sinking home. it's comforting, in a way, to have his own thoughts fed back to him from someone else, somehow makes them more real when that's all they should be to begin with. lance breathes in, and out, and in again and holds it, because he's afraid if he lets it go too quickly he might start shaking, and he doesn't want to lose it. )

I — I know. ( that's how he starts, because it feels safe, somehow, just to be in agreement with the other. ) You know what everyone says? After someone's gone. 'They're still here, they're all around you', but it's true this time. She's the reason we get to have this. ( he meets keith's gaze for a small second, looks to the sun and how it's still continuously sinking in the distance. then back to keith with a look that says little more than i don't know how i'm supposed to do this without her.

he swallows around a lump in the back of his throat. ) I guess I just wish she was here to enjoy all the good she did with us. She deserves that much. ( and more, always so much more than this life had thought to give her after effectively taking everything away.

he rubs at his eyes, not because he's on the verge of tears, or anything — but to try to bring back some of his focus, and when he looks back at keith again, his smile is back, but it's too damned fragile to do any good. ) Sorry. Didn't mean to get all Debbie Downer on you. I just … miss her.

[marmoron]

You're not being a Debbie Downer.

[Alright, so maybe that's a blatant lie. Lance is being depressing as shit, but what Keith means is that it's okay. That whatever Lance is feeling is alright with him because it's just how Lance feels. He doesn't have to put on a brave fac or act like he's gotta keep morale high for Keith's sake. Or at least that's where he'd like to think their friendship has evolved into over the years.]

I miss her, too.

[Keith's not going to patronize him by acting like this is in any way similar to how much Lance must miss Allura; it's just... a reminder that she was important to him and the other paladins, too.]

She brought out the best in all of us. All of us were lucky to have had her touch our lives.

[Keith's fairly certain they'll never meet another person quite like Allura in their lifetimes. Nobody is going to be able to fill the hole her absence has created, but that's not something he can say to the person who wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.]

Then again... luck never had anything to do with it. For whatever reason, we were chosen to become her paladins. She wasn't impressed with us at first. but she came to believe in us... and I think part of the reason she was able to walk away without looking back was because she knew she could trust us to continue on our mission just as bravely.

[There's a pause that follows this, a slight glance down and away.]

But I know hearing this kind of thing doesn't lessen the blow of losing her,... and it's okay if it doesn't. Just know that whatever you're feeling... you don't have to to go through it alone.

[spazzed]

( he really hadn't meant for all of that to come out of him, because it's like playing an old record or beating a dead horse; everything he's already said doesn't need to be said again, he's not going to stop missing her overnight or in the next stretch of days and weeks ahead of him, but it isn't doing anyone any good at all to have to listen to him … well, mope. in a way.

everyone mourns in their own way, he knows that. and grief will never care how many hours, days, weeks it's been. sometimes he thinks he's all right and then the smallest thing will make him remember an even smaller thing, and then it's hell getting his head back on straight. ) I know. Everybody misses her. ( he says that more to mean something like i don't deserve to hurt more than the rest of you, because their time had been short and they had been so new, but that isn't the point.

… he's not really sure what point he's trying to make, here, honestly. his mouth pulls to the side in a half-frown, like he's trying to work himself through his own thought processes while also not ending up tripping over what ends up coming out of his mouth, because that has always been something he's come by easily, and with keith trying to be the good friend they've both evolved into for each other, he doesn't want to make that seem like a moot point, either.

he takes all of that in, takes it to heart and while he's not about to embarrass himself completely by crying outright, there is a small tremor to his lower lip and a stinging in his eyes that he tries to chase away with a couple of quick blinks. it means a lot, coming from keith. that kind of reassurance is something that no one would have expected from him before they'd all been forced to grow into their roles as paladins. as defenders of the universe.

he appreciates it more than he thinks he'll ever be able to tell him, because everything he could think to say doesn't seem like it would be enough.

so, he nods, a small thing, giving him a sideways glance but ultimately keeping his eyes trained on the still-setting sun, because he still doesn't fully trust himself not to break down. ) I think what's giving me the most trouble is … figuring out what I'm supposed to do now that we're done. The universe doesn't need Voltron anymore, right? Everybody's safe, and I guess I could go out and do whatever I wanted but. I feel kinda lost. ( his next exhale sounds almost like a huff. )

It's stupid.

[marmoron]

[It's difficult to watch Lance struggle to keep his composure, and Keith doesn't know if he ought to just tell the guy to cry it out already if he needs to or just look away and act like he hasn't noticed. In the end, he opts for the latter because that would've been his personal preference. It's not the best rationale -- they're different enough that he'd be willing to bet that telling Lance that he's not going to be judged for being upset might actually do his friend some good. He turns his face back towards the sun. It's not much in terms of granting Lance some privacy or dignity, but it's something.]

It's not stupid. [You're not stupid -- despite the ribbing. Keith hopes Lance realizes that. His voice goes soft, contemplative.] The war may be over, but we're not done. Allura's sacrifice may have sewn the seeds of peace and stability, but it's up to us to take care of it.

[Because if the universe does ever need Voltron again, they're missing a paladin and there is nobody who can possibly fill in for Allura. She was, in so many ways, truly irreplaceable. His brow furrows slightly; if only it were as simple as Lance is making it out to be.]

It may feel like a lot has changed, but you're still a paladin, and you'll always be a paladin, Lance. No matter what happens, nobody can ever take that away from you.

[spazzed]

( no one will ever blame keith for reacting in a way that encompasses his own preference for certain things; they're so much different in that respect, but maybe that's why they've come to understand one another better, how they've learned to work better both with each other, and as a unit with the rest of the team.

and really — it's embarrassing enough all on its own to be caught like this, between the proverbial rock and a hard place, wanting all at once to insist that he's still fine, that he doesn't need to let out all those feelings of loss and wanting to let go of the fraying edges of control he's been clinging to, only letting his guard down enough to let the tears come when he's by himself. alone with his thoughts.

still, maybe it's a good thing that keith turns away from him to face forward again, because despite trying to keep the threatening tears to blur his vision they come right the hell on anyway, and only once he's blinked a handful of times do they even thinklast person he'd expected to hear something like that from.

but that just shows how far he's come as a leader, doesn't it? that it sounds so natural, coming from him. all the things he knows are true and still needs to be reminded of.

the chuckle that comes out of him isn't without a bit of mirth, but it's more in awe than anything else. ) We really have come a long way when you're still the one making motivational speeches, huh? ( his smile is still brittle when he chances a glance over at keith, trying to show he's appreciative of his words, more than anything else, even when his poor attempt at humor is what he's still falling back on. even now. ) No, I — thanks, Keith. For saying all of that. ( really, it really is all the things he needs to hear. probably will for a little while yet. )

There's just so much to think about, sometimes I feel like my head's gonna explode.

[marmoron]

[The bit about "motivational speeches" has Keith halfway about to retort with I can stop at any time, but the earnest thanks that comes afterward leaves him with something different to say.]

Yeah, who'd have seen that one coming.

[Because Keith sure as fuck didn't. If someone had told him the day they found Blue that he'd be making important speeches in front of the Garrison, he'd either be raising an eyebrow up to the moon or cracking a rib laughing. Lance is right, they really have come a long way since those days, and he considers this for a long moment afterwards while Lance blinks away the... oh what was his explanation of choice? Right. Space dust.]

You've come a long way too from getting your lion stolen.

[Really weird actually how long ago that feels due to the time he spent in the Quantum Abyss. Keith grins. Lance can take one little stickpoke before he grows more serious again.]

But you don't have to thank me for pointing out the truth, Lance. [A beat.] And if you need to talk about it to relieve some of the pressure, you should.

[spazzed]

( maybe, initially, he never would have thought to find himself yielding as much as he has to the leadership of the other; he'd fought it at first, yeah, not only because it had seemed so unlikely but it was clear keith didn't want it either — and now he can't possibly think of himself as anything other than his right-hand man, standing next to him instead of trying to get ahead of him.

things change, and while they've both been through their fair share of garbage a lot of their recent changes have been … for the better. for the positive. he might not know what he's supposed to do with himself now, but having the other sitting next to him, telling him all of these positive things when he doesn't know which way he's supposed to turn, it. it makes him feel better.

but then the bit about having his lion stolen has him blanching — never gonna let that go, are you! — and at a time they've both left way, way in the past, he would have reacted with the sort of flailing embarrassment that had carried him through a lot of those new experiences, but now.

he just. laughs. because he's right. ) Guy gets his lion stolen one time … and he never hears the end of it. ( but wow does he sound kind of fond. maybe a bit nostalgic.

he takes in a breath, lets it out slowly, drums his fingers against his leg out of some weird habit of fidgeting without realizing, and when he turns to look at keith outright, he's smiling. it's genuine, yes, but still a little small. but it's there. ) If I start talking, I'm going to end up babbling, and it's not going to be pretty. ( he laughs, but it's really more of a … huff? maybe? something along those lines. ) But I'll keep it in mind. ( a beat. ) Same goes for you, you know.

[marmoron]

How will we know how far we've come if we forget the little things, huh?

[So yep, never letting that go, indeed. But likewise, it's said with a sort of nostalgic fondness. It isn't a barbed comment -- or at least it's not intended to be one. It's just a reminder that Lance has come a long way since those days and that he ought to hold his head high for becoming the person he is today. Even if that may be difficult at the moment because of everything that's happened and the loss that they've all endured. Keetese at its finest, really.

While he could continue to prod and ask when is Lance ever not babbling, he doesn't do that. Instead he turns his face back towards the sunset and stares out over the horizon.]

I'm pretty sure your babbling's a whole lot prettier to see than your head exploding, Lance.

[Again, his tone's soft. Tacit acknowledgement that he understands that the offer to listen is there. He appreciates it, even though he doesn't really think he can bring himself to be maudlin about how everything ended with the guy who cherished Allura more than the rest of them.]

[spazzed]

You can totally forget that one little thing and it won't make a difference. ( but yeah … again, he's still holding on to that small smile, because he's finally gotten it back and he's not about to let go of it, because … he feels like he's holding on to it with just the tips of his fingers and if he wavers, it'll fall out of his hands again.

and. maybe he's gotten a little more fluent in keetese here lately — within the last little while, because he thinks he understands. knows what he means even if he speaks not in riddles, but the kind of teasing that seems to have gotten a heck of a lot more gentle lately. it's the sort of thing he can handle, the sort of thing he's been slowly getting used to, and while he feels so uncertain about a lot of things, that seems to be one he can count on to stay constant.

keith, a constant among variables. who knew?

he exhales a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, almost deflating with it. ) I guess it would mean less brain matter splatter, huh? ( he didn't mean to rhyme, but it makes him chuckle a bit, and then he shifts like he's just short of picking up on old fidgeting habits, but stops himself.

his knee bounces, just a little though. that sort of thing is never going to stop. ) I wish we'd had more time. Like, not just me and Allura, because that's selfish, and I don't wanna be. But. All of us together, because we were so busy saving the universe to just be. Friends. Hang out. Do stuff.